Movie Review: Don Jon (2013)

Jon Martello (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) basically has his pick of an array of hotties on the New Jersey bar scene, never scoring below an eight, even if he’s had a few too many drinks. Jon has a natural way with women; shoot them once glance and it’s a near guarantee he’ll be taking them back to his place before the night’s out. But this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise; after all, his friends do call him “Don Jon”.

So, if Jon is such a master of finding women to slam, why does he spend most nights alone at his computer, masturbating compulsively, even after he’s just had sex with a dime? Jon explains to us – in the graphic detail you’d expect from a Jersey-Italian stereotype — that he simply doesn’t get off to women like he does porn. Women in porn will do anything to please a guy and, let’s face it, real women rarely have perfect porno bodies. To Jon, the real thing is boring by comparison. When it comes to the ladies, Jon seems to be more into the game of womanizing than he is the actual sex – or hell, the women themselves.

Movie Review: Enough Said (2013)

"Enough Said” displays the late James Gandolfini in an unusually sweet, quiet role about a simple middle-aged man who is looking for companionship and comfort. It’s a side of Gandolfini we didn’t get to see enough of and, after you see “Enough Said”, you’ll understand just how sad that really is.

Gandolfini plays Albert, an overweight divorced father who works as a TV historian and seems to really enjoy the simple life. He meets Eva (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) at a party, and the two bond over being divorced parents whose only children are about to go off to college.

Coincidently, Eva also unknowingly meets Albert’s ex-wife, Marianne (Catherine Keener), at the same party. A poet whose hobbies include trashing on her ex-husband endlessly, Marianne slowly poisons Eva’s perception of Albert, whose quirks quickly go from endearing to unbearable. At first Eva doesn’t make the connection, but once she puts the pieces together, she continues her relationship with both of them, for reasons even she can’t articulate.

Movie Review: Riddick (2013)

Five years have passed for Riddick (Vin Diesel), who has grown uneasy in his role as Lord Marshall of the Necromonger empire. He fears assassination everywhere, going so far as to deny the hottest of ladies sexual satisfaction, knowing that they could kill him while he’s most vulnerable.  He needs a way out. But typically there’s only one way people can leave the throne – death.

After striking a deal with Commander Vaako (Karl Urban), Riddick has agreed to hand over his position as Lord Marshall in exchange for a ticket back to his home planet of Furya. Riddick is finally going home -- or so he believes.  Betrayed by Vaako, Riddick finds himself left for dead on a barren planet, full of dangerous creatures that lie dormant, waiting for the next wet season to set them free. A storm is coming. If Riddick wants to survive, he has to get off this planet. Luckily, he has a plan.

In a way, Riddick is a homage to first film in the series, Pitch Black, which pitted badass vs. monster in a film designed purely to provide bloody entertainment. Riddick embraces this simplistic approach, giving the audience all the dark humor, brutal kills, and testosterone they could possibly handle, without the excessiveness of the last sequel. To put it another way, Riddick is both unreasonably ridiculous and absolutely awesome. If you’re looking for an escape from reality, this movie is definitely for you.

Movie Review: Zombie Warz: Falls the Shadow (2011)

Zombie Warz: Falls the Shadow is an extremely low-budget independent film, one that has much less to do with zombies than it does its cast of characters. I have to imagine that the “Zombie Warz” title was added just to sell DVDs to the crowd that loves awesomely bad B-movies. However, people expecting some cheap-looking zombie guts are going to be disappointed. While Falls the Shadow is definitely a film made on a micro budget, it’s a beautifully photographed, well-directed little gem, that accomplishes more than most student films of its ilk could ever dream of.

The film opens with the execution of a young black woman by a gang of southern neo-nazis, led by the appropriately named Reverend Phelps (Phil Perry), who seems hell-bent on rebuilding a post-apocalyptic America in the image of some violent right-wing God. His organization exemplifies the negative side of how humanity may act in a world where all organized governments are gone; his band of raiders use fear and violence to get what they want, including sex.

s their counterpart we meet a cast of compassionate characters, all of whom begin with their own separate stories. Eventually their lives intertwine, thanks to an invariable link to the band of neo-confederates, who are expanding their reach by raping, murdering, and robbing anyone they come into contact with.

Movie Review: Elysium (2013)

Max Da Costa (Matt Damon) spends his days working in a factory, building the militarized droids that abuse him and never let him forget about his past life, employed as a car thief. In the sky you can see Elysium, a floating world that houses the rich and powerful, while the impoverished workers like Max are left to toil on a polluted Earth, fighting for basic necessities.

Max promised his childhood friend Frey (Alicia Braga) that, one day, he would take her to Elysium. Today he will make good on that promise. Frey’s daughter is dying of cancer, and only the medical technology on Elysium can save her. Max, too, is dying from radiation poisoning, relying on a power suit to function
normally.

As you may have expected from Neill Blomkamp, the talented director behind District 9, Elysium delivers in terms of visuals and style. However, where District 9 was strikingly original, Elysium falls heavily into convention, delivering a steady stream of movie cliches, and unfolding almost exactly as you would expect. That being said, it’s still an entertaining summer blockbuster that delivers the thrills, despite a painfully uneven script.

Movie Review: The Wolverine (2013)

When we first find Logan (Hugh Jackman) he is alone in the Canadian wilderness, living in a cave with only the bare bone necessities needed for survival. He’s still haunted by his past; a vision of Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), the woman he was forced to kill in X-Men: The Last Stand, visits him in his dreams, asking the former Wolverine to join her in death. But Logan can’t join her in death. He may never be able to die, thanks to a healing factor that feels more like a curse than a blessing at this stage in his life.

The Wolverine is a personal journey for Logan, who struggles to reconcile the pain he’s caused with the fact that he’ll never answer for it. In this unexpectedly deep character study, Logan will face his past head on, dealing with not only the memories of his tortured life, but the demons he created from the people he chose to save.

Logan finds a bear in the woods that is slowly dying from a poison. Little does he know that the fate of this one animal will soon parallel his own life.  After heading to Japan to meet a man he saved during the bombing of Nagasaki (Hiroyuki Sanada), Logan is given a proposition: transfer his healing factor to the man, allowing Logan to live the normal life he’s always longed for.

Movie Review: The Conjuring (2013)

 

I’m an atheist, a skeptic, and a rational human being. I don’t believe in gods, psychics, demons, ghosts, or other spooky things. That being said, I’m a huge fan of The Exorcist, and I am perfectly capable of employing the suspension of disbelief necessary to thoroughly enjoy a film about demon possession.  I went into The Conjuring with an open mind, expecting to enjoy some classic horror thrills. But what I saw instead was a movie that seemed obsessed with falling into the realm of the completely absurd, destined to just be another forgotten mainstream horror film.

The Exorcist was tempered in its execution, relying on traditional scares, clever lighting, and superb sound design to sell you on its premise, and that’s why it was so effective. The Conjuring starts out following this time-tested formula, but soon devolves into nonsensical crap, stabbing your suspension of disbelief to death with one of the silliest exorcisms ever to haunt a horror movie, floating shotguns and biting demons included.

My Interview with Third Eye Weekly on BreakThru Radio

 

I was interviewed by Molly Freeman of Third Eye Weekly about the use of special effects and CGI in cinema. The interview came about after Molly read my reviews of The Hobbit, Snow White and the Huntsman, and Oz the Great and Powerful, where I criticized the use of computer effects as a replacement for matte paintings and model sets.

Check out the interview here: BreakThru Radio

Follow Molly on Twitter (@MollyRockIt), and I'm sure she'd like you to follow her show, too (@ThirdEyeWeekly)

Movie Review: Pacific Rim (2013)

 

The world we know is being attacked by giant sea monsters called Kaiju, which enter Earth through a portal at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. After seeing cities destroyed by these massive dinosaur-ish fish creatures, governments have united to come up with a solution: giant robots. These walking tanks, called Jaegers, are piloted by two people who are bound through a Vulcan-mind-meld-ish process called “Drifiting”. After all, commanding something that big has to be too powerful for any one mind to master, right?

Yes, all of this is really farfetched and kind of asinine. But just go with it. Pacific Rim is one of those movies that requires your suspension of disbelief to be pushed to its limits; however, if you can manage to turn off your critical eye long enough to finish the movie, you’re probably going to find the idea of massive monsters fighting mega robots to be more fun than expected. In the same way that Godzilla trilled me as a child, it’s fun for the adult me to watch the Kaiju destroy a city.

These Kaiju come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, and power levels, and they just seem to be getting stronger.  Their attacks are becoming more vicious and more prevalent with each passing day, and humanity is on the verge of being completely overwhelmed. The Jaegers are no longer the saviors of the world they used to be, barely able to keep up with the repairs in time for the next beast to emerge from the sea.

Movie Review: Stories We Tell (2013)

Stories We Tell is an extremely personal documentary, directed by the very talented Sarah Polley (Away From Her, Take this Waltz). Featuring interviews from her real-life family, friends, and acquaintances, the movie begins by telling the story of Polley’s mother, Diane, who died of Cancer in 1990. But the story doesn’t stop there; Polley goes on to examine the unique circumstances surrounding her birth, as well as the complex relationship of her eccentric parents.

In a way, watching makes you feel as though you’re invading the privacy of this family, especially since the film seems to focus on a lot of intimate, embarrassing moments in their lives. Yet, the approach feels inviting; every member of the family appears happy to share what they remember and be a part of the film, which helps keep the tone feeling consistently positive throughout.

If you’re someone who can’t open your mind to documentaries, the idea of seeing a film centered around a family you’ve never heard of may seem especially off-putting. However, you’ll be glad to know that Stories We Tell has a nontraditional approach, adding in actors to give life to the narration, which is written and recited by Michael Polley, Sarah Polley’s father.

Movie Review: Man of Steel (2013)

If you have severe ADD and don’t like to be bothered by silly things like blinking, then Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel is for you. But be warned: anyone with even a modest attention span is going to find their eyes glazing over during this action spectacle, which will stand as an example of special effects ruining what could have otherwise been a solid movie.

After an opening segment that shows more of the world of Krypton than was necessary, we finally find Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) as a grown man on Earth, jumping from job to job, obsessively helping those in need. This is actually a very interesting, human approach to the character, one that we haven’t seen in previous Superman films. Clark is a recluse who sees nothing but the darkest sides of humanity everywhere he goes, but still feels compelled to help because of some larger, yet unknown purpose.

 

Movie Review: Iron Man 3 (2013)

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is now a shadow of his former self. He’s overwhelmed by the reality of seeing aliens; he’s struggling with the fact that he nearly died during Marvel’s The Avengers; and he can no longer seem to to put himself in his Iron Man suit. He’s a manic, depressed man, suffering from crippling panic attacks and insomnia. Even his relationship with the woman he loves, Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow), is on the rocks. This should have been the most interesting take on Iron Man ever: Tony Stark in denial that he’s a good person, obsessed with making sense of the inexplicable things he’s been through over the last few years, and coping by constantly trying to improve his Iron Man alter ego.

But this is not the most interesting Tony Stark we’ve seen – far from it. With one line of dialogue, Tony is reminded he is a “mechanic” who fixes things, and all of a sudden he goes from being in desperate need of therapy to a competent hero in seconds. And herein lies the problem with Iron Man 3 – none of its good ideas ever seem to pan out into anything substantial, making this outing feel hollow when compared to its predecessors. This is a bad way to start off the second round of Mavel films, which presumably will culminate in another Avengers' flick sometime in the future — and that future is looking bleak.

Movie Review: The Evil Dead (2013)

When I heard 1981’s The Evil Dead was being remade, I was livid. I put on my Army of Darkness shirt, sought out Internet horror forums for a little bias confirmation -- and it worked. I was ready to oppose any remake of the Sam Raimi classic on the basis that the unique appeal of the low-budget original could never be captured again. The fact that the creators behind that first trip to a cabin in the woods were producing this new version didn’t seem to reduce my level of outrage. After all, so many horror classics have been butchered via modern Hollywood remakes that I had valid reason to doubt Evil Dead would be anything other than just another casualty.

Movie Review: G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

When I was a kid I could play with my action figures for hours, developing simple stories in my head, all in an attempt to make sense of the smashing and gun noises that would accompany the battleground on my bedroom floor. And you know what? It worked.

I didn’t need a great script as long as I was able to give the fun I was having a little bit of foundation. I think the filmmakers behind G.I. Joe: Retaliation could learn a thing or two from childhood me – you need to give all of the explosions some context, but the end product should exist solely to provide the viewer with some entertainment.

Movie Review: Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)

It opened in classic 4:3 black and white, a story unfolding about a magician, Oz (James Franco), who has dreams of greatness. After a visit from the woman he loves detailing her pending marriage, the Wizard seems torn between the simple life he rejected and the show business life he’s barely living. The opening moments embrace the film style of the 1930s, and subtle satire is the motivation behind nearly every line. We all know how cheesy some classic movies can be, and apparently so does Raimi, who has every actor in the prologue overdoing it in the most perfect way.

Oz is a bit of a scoundrel; one who seems to have a weakness for beautiful women. He’s pulled the same absurd line about his grandma’s music box a few too many times, and it’s all about to blow up in his face. After a less-than-successful magic act, he finds himself being chased by the new man of a former love interest – who happens to be the strongman in the circus.

Movie Review: Jack the Giant Slayer (2013)

Jack the Giant Slayer is a visually spectacular adventure that borrows from two classic fairytales, Jack and the Beanstalk and Jack the Giant Killer. The result is a formulaic story about a peasant who saves a princess from giants that live in the clouds, and a king who doesn’t mind his daughter’s wishes. Jack the Giant Slayer is a film that follows the classic fairytale formula closely, but in this case that actually works to the film’s advantage.

Director Bryan Singer (X-Men, Superman Returns) remembers why kids like fairytales: because they’re fantastical, a little bit ridiculous, and a whole lot of fun. In the end things always turn out happily ever after, and there’s really no reason not to meet that expectation. Jack the Giant Slayer is an escapist film for the whole family and, while it definitely won’t speak to you on an intellectual level, you’ll enjoy the ride—if you’ll allow yourself to be a kid again.

Movie Review: A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

Remember in the first Die Hard how John McClane ran barefoot over broken glass, tearing up his feet in a way that made the audience feel it? That mortal, relatable character is long gone, replaced by someone who is just another A Good Day to Die Hard action superstar. Now the rogue NYPD detective can fall through dozens of windows, survive multiple explosions, and even brave toxic radiation without getting so much as a scratch. The new John McClane is an absolute badass, spewing witty dialogue while gunning down countless bad guys with ease. And that’s exactly why I don’t like him anymore.

In A Good Day to Die Hard, the fifth installment in the long-running series, all we get is a generic action spectacle, with absolutely nothing hidden below the surface. Admittedly, this new high-speed approach makes for some awesome looking stunts; however, there’s only so many times a guy can tie a truck to helicopter before it becomes a little bit ridiculous.

Top Ten Movies of 2012

With the Oscars just around the corner about to prove once again how irrelevant they are by making some strange movie picks, the time has come to look back on 2012 cinema and choose the ten best films the year had to offer. It’s important to note that I didn’t have the luxury of seeing absolutely everything that came out this year, so an omission from this list is not necessarily an indication that I won’t love it.

I will say that there are several films this year that, judging by critical consensus, I expected to be head-over-heels for but ended up only tolerating (Holy Motors, Zero Dark Thirty, Lincoln). There are also a multitude of others that I enjoyed very much, but had trouble committing to putting them in my top ten (Bernie, ParaNorman, The Sessions).

Limiting myself to a top ten was no easy task. This really was one hell of a year for movies, and the completion was stiff. Without further ado, here are the best motion pictures of 2012:

Movie Review: Django Unchained (2012)

Django Unchained is brutal, sickly comical, and often hard to watch. That being said, it’s also a smart film about racism and slavery, masterfully crafted by talented filmmaker Quentin Tarantino. A late arrival during 2012, Django Unchained should be in the conversation for best picture of the year, if critics can get past the excessive gore and racist language. Tarantino crosses the boundaries of what is comfortable in order to shock, amuse, and drive home a powerful message into your brain – and he succeeds completely on all counts.

This satirical revival of the Blaxploitation genre tells the story of a bounty-hunting dentist who frees a slave named Django (Jamie Foxx) in order to help him track down his latest reward. Feeling responsible for the man he freed, Dr. King Schultz (Christopher Waltz) teaches Django how to shoot, read, and even promises to help him free the woman he loves from a rich slaver, Calvin J. Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio).

The romance between Django and his bride, Broomhilda Von Shaft (Kerry Washington), is one of the weaker aspects of the narrative. However, the relationship between Django and Dr. Schultz is surprisingly deep for a Tarantino movie; their mutual growth serves to push the plot forward.

The story unfolds in a series of episodic acts, each feeling like its own stand-alone arc. This approach is something fans of Tarantino are likely accustomed to, though I will add that it works better here than in Inglourious Basterds.

Movie Review: The Hobbit - An Unexpected Journey (2012)

Few can deny the significance The Lord of the Rings trilogy has had on film as a whole. It’s a lost art in terms of the way movies are made – model sets, props, makeup, costumes, and as many real actors as possible. The trilogy is an incredible achievement, sporting a level of craftsmanship and quality that very few films can match. Regrettably, the first chapter of a new prequel trilogy, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, contains little of what made the Lord of the Rings so magnificent.

I went back and watched The Fellowship of the Ring before I saw The Hobbit, and to this day I’m still blown away by the excellent photography and art direction. The real outdoor shoots, the beautiful lighting, the gorgeous crafted models – all of this is what makes the experience so memorable. These choices earned the trilogy multiple awards and recognition from critics worldwide, something The Hobbit is unlikely to achieve.

It’s baffling to me that the same director, Peter Jackson, and cinematographer, Andrew Lesnie, are responsible for both An Unexpected Journey and The Fellowship of the Ring. All those actors who played orcs and goblins are now merely CGI creatures, and the wonderful model locations have been replaced with green screen and CGI effects. Everything looks dramatically different, and in this case, that isn't a good thing.